He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
