how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
