Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
