I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
