so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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