My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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