You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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