life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
