Pappa wants mamma naked
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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