Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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