why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I am morally bankrupt
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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