he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
