the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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