im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
