I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Vodka?
Forever.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
