What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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