i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
