the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
