I hate your face
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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