it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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