You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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