remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
