Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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