She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
