Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
