Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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