Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
