I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
