I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
