Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Are my feet made of real feet?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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