can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
zippers are such a cool invention
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We are all done wearing pants today
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
