You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
