highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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