Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
