OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
