Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
