it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
