I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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