y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
