and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize