my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
