Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
