I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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