I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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