I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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