its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Buhtt sex?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
