ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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