I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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