all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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