Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
